Life it's not constant, it changes all the time, every day, nothing it's certain and anything could happen. However, when bad things happen we don't like it, and when a lot of bad things happen we feel overwhelmed, out of place and depressed. I have noticed though, that after everything starts to get in its place, you start feeling better, realize that it wasn't that bad. That everything it's going to be ok.
There are times when big things happen, and it takes us a long time to get over them. Everything turns out to be alright after we just move on after we detach from the pain and just live in the present moment. Miracles happen, you might be tight on money and suddenly you get some, you might not have a loved one but you find one. That's the thing about change, it can be good or bad but when it's good you're thankful and when it's bad, as a thinking human being you use your brain, figure things out and get out of the hole. In the end, you see these little things, they didn't matter, but they got you depressed, and now you're not going to let the same little things affect you because you went up one level and found a way to fix them, and now you can move on to bigger things.
9.02.2018
Failing Background Noise, too Busy for Depresive Shit
I have been doing great lately. I finally moved out and started getting my shit together. Got a loan for a car and got a job that I don't hate. I am finally making friends!... And even as scared as I was before, It feels fucking nice to have someone to talk to.
There are still things I gotta work with, like my daddy issues, my fear to compromise, my super high ego, but so far I am seeing results on the tedious effort I put into making my life work and the sacrifices I make for getting results.
I definitely don't have time to be depressed... All the time I got it's the nighttime to take a shower and lie in bed, although I cannot lie, sometimes I feel lonely. But then I wake up and start living my daily life and it doesn't suck. I am also learning not to take everything personally, I can see why people's life can't be just about how much attention they put to me. Something I couldn't see before.
There is still my fear of not finding a partner for life. However, looking at it realistically, I am fed up with meeting assholes that don't even have goals in their life, but I am tired of not having goals either. With that said, focusing on myself it's the most important thing I can and have to do right now. I feel useful. I don't hear the background noise in my head as much anymore. It's amazing how good life can turn out to be when you put on your big girl's pants and stop winning.
There are still things I gotta work with, like my daddy issues, my fear to compromise, my super high ego, but so far I am seeing results on the tedious effort I put into making my life work and the sacrifices I make for getting results.
I definitely don't have time to be depressed... All the time I got it's the nighttime to take a shower and lie in bed, although I cannot lie, sometimes I feel lonely. But then I wake up and start living my daily life and it doesn't suck. I am also learning not to take everything personally, I can see why people's life can't be just about how much attention they put to me. Something I couldn't see before.
There is still my fear of not finding a partner for life. However, looking at it realistically, I am fed up with meeting assholes that don't even have goals in their life, but I am tired of not having goals either. With that said, focusing on myself it's the most important thing I can and have to do right now. I feel useful. I don't hear the background noise in my head as much anymore. It's amazing how good life can turn out to be when you put on your big girl's pants and stop winning.
7.05.2018
The Submerged Island
Once upon a time. (yes, let's start this like one of this stories you've heard when you were a kid). There was a putrid island which had a peculiar smell. Wisemen said it smelt like tears and blood. According to ancient legends, this place was corrupt, obscene. Kids didn't sense the smell until they were about 8 years old. However, it was too late for them to do something to escape from it, sad. This kids turn out to be part of the tears which made the island smell so sad, (yes on this story smells have feelings). You know, I feel bad for the ones who survived and have to be part of it, but I also feel angry because they could have been different, they didn't have to be like they were, but they decided to be. The ancients said it's the tears, they made the survivors become what they are today, empty bodies without a soul. Walking demons hurting people in the way, people with no god. I mean they have a god but according to testimonies, they think their god it's going to forgive them for making other people's lives a fucking hell. Glory for Karma if it exists.
In this legend, there's a lady-god who comes and with furious rage makes the whole island drown, leaving an empty space on a map like she felt all the time after growing up there and being forced by superior laws to return to her native place. Nobody knows that indeed there's a submerged island deep in the ocean. However, this is not literal. Apparently, she had a power, she was a magical lady which could hide and destroy in plain sight. Mariners will surf the island with their ships but they'll never know what happened there.
They will never know about the obscenity, the perverse queens, and kings who owned the island and could do whatever they wanted without any consequence in this material world. Disguising as saints, hiding in their loving, responsible masks. I have to believe there's a superior power up there, a creator who's seeing everything and knows the reasons and punishments for those who the ancients mentioned, because in truth I think that god-lady it's bullshit in general but the truth in her mind. Unfortunately, there is a division... a gap between poor and rich, innocent and malefic. I believe that if in ancient worlds, islands, and this world. If that gap didn't exist, everything would be easier. Because without that gap, so many innocent people would have talked and been listened to and not abused. And the perverse ones would be closed from this world which they just cause damage to and didn't give anything back in return to it.
But after the things that happened, I wonder, why. Why is there so much bad in this world. Why in ancient times and now. Why can't it end? Is it human nature to be like this?... I mean imagine a world without law... it would be maybe worse than it is now. So there's an alibi. The greatest Alibi, which I've again chosen to believe because if there's so much bad in this world, there has to be some good, there has to be someone who'll take care of the ones who hurt and traumatized. It's god. Maybe even if I don't believe in religion, maybe if don't believe that lady-god could have submerged that island, I could believe he/she it's watching and will know how to take care of deeds fairly and give everyone what each one deserves.
6.07.2018
The Empty Forest
There was a lonely person walking by a path one day. It was an empty path and ahead there was a forest. At first, it seemed like it was beautiful and virgin, unexplored...However, when the person... with a name unimportant, let's call it Freddy, got into it, it looked like the seasons inside it were completely ahead of time looking always for the winter. This place had beautiful trees one week and then next one it was completely snowy, cloudy, sad.
The problem with the place it's that Freddy got so much into it that the roots of the forest grew into him and started to make him feel exactly like it. Stuck in the soil, like a tree, being held captive by strong branches, which indeed were easy to cut, but he couldn't because there wasn't enough strength of the kind that would make him get out.
In the beginning, this place was perfect, isolated, uncomplicated. In the end, it became a hurdle. This story has no end because it takes someone to be a Freddy, in order to be able to write the end of the story. Freddy doesn't know when, after how many years, and if he'll ever get out. He doesn't even know if the world outside keeps being as dark as it was before he decided to get in the forest. In truth, he knows nothing, and this uncertainty it's what makes him stay where he's at, because the unknown it's scary, and nobody can assure you everything it's going to be okay. Maybe he was destined to get in the forest, maybe that was his destiny and couldn't have to be in another way, because all his actions from before took him there. Nevertheless, even if that was truth, everyone who encountered themselves lost would have died by now, but no. Instead, some of them got out and encountered something beautiful. Either way, Freddy it's who decides what to do, nobody can do it for him.
The problem with the place it's that Freddy got so much into it that the roots of the forest grew into him and started to make him feel exactly like it. Stuck in the soil, like a tree, being held captive by strong branches, which indeed were easy to cut, but he couldn't because there wasn't enough strength of the kind that would make him get out.
In the beginning, this place was perfect, isolated, uncomplicated. In the end, it became a hurdle. This story has no end because it takes someone to be a Freddy, in order to be able to write the end of the story. Freddy doesn't know when, after how many years, and if he'll ever get out. He doesn't even know if the world outside keeps being as dark as it was before he decided to get in the forest. In truth, he knows nothing, and this uncertainty it's what makes him stay where he's at, because the unknown it's scary, and nobody can assure you everything it's going to be okay. Maybe he was destined to get in the forest, maybe that was his destiny and couldn't have to be in another way, because all his actions from before took him there. Nevertheless, even if that was truth, everyone who encountered themselves lost would have died by now, but no. Instead, some of them got out and encountered something beautiful. Either way, Freddy it's who decides what to do, nobody can do it for him.
5.02.2018
Holding on to the Sharp Side Knife Because I Like the Pain
I wish it was easy to let go of you...
Knowing that being with you hurts more than it pleases,
Making myself feel like an idiot because I know it,
But I can't let go.
Because you're my sharp object...
Sometimes you used to make me feel good,
But now all I feel it's pain
And I like it even though it hurts,
Because it's all that I know.
But you're just like everyone else I've known before
Looking for your own good
Behaving perfectly while you didn't have me completely
And now just being who you really are
Cold.
And it hurts
Because I try not to think about it
And go with the waves
But I think, and it hurts again.
But what hurts the most it's that I stay
Holding you like a sharp knife in my heart
Leaving myself bleed the little love I have inside me
Not being sure someday I will find someone who will want to stay
Not being sure someday I will see the result of that love
But being unsure of everything, even I.
And my masochistic brain it's a jail
And I am the one closed on it
And everyone else it's a jury
While I am the one in the jail.
What if I do this
What if I do that?!
What will he think
What will they think?!
I don't want them to hate me
I don't want them to crucify me
I don't want to deal with the drama
I rather live with the pain of BEING
With a cold soul that lies about love
With good opinions and unexistent self-compassion
With this pain, with this emptiness
With people who don't love
With people who think about nothing but themselves.
I need ME to be able to let go of the knife
I NEED to wake up
I NEED to stop being the victim
But why is it so hard?!
Why is this all that I know?!
This fucking hurts!
Knowing that being with you hurts more than it pleases,
Making myself feel like an idiot because I know it,
But I can't let go.
Because you're my sharp object...
Sometimes you used to make me feel good,
But now all I feel it's pain
And I like it even though it hurts,
Because it's all that I know.
But you're just like everyone else I've known before
Looking for your own good
Behaving perfectly while you didn't have me completely
And now just being who you really are
Cold.
And it hurts
Because I try not to think about it
And go with the waves
But I think, and it hurts again.
But what hurts the most it's that I stay
Holding you like a sharp knife in my heart
Leaving myself bleed the little love I have inside me
Not being sure someday I will find someone who will want to stay
Not being sure someday I will see the result of that love
But being unsure of everything, even I.
And my masochistic brain it's a jail
And I am the one closed on it
And everyone else it's a jury
While I am the one in the jail.
What if I do this
What if I do that?!
What will he think
What will they think?!
I don't want them to hate me
I don't want them to crucify me
I don't want to deal with the drama
I rather live with the pain of BEING
With a cold soul that lies about love
With good opinions and unexistent self-compassion
With this pain, with this emptiness
With people who don't love
With people who think about nothing but themselves.
I need ME to be able to let go of the knife
I NEED to wake up
I NEED to stop being the victim
But why is it so hard?!
Why is this all that I know?!
This fucking hurts!
4.23.2018
The Right Question
I asked my therapist...what makes people happy? What gives them a goal to live for. Nevertheless, that was the wrong question to the wrong person. Then... wondering on my numbness I was thinking what If... we had a clock and it told us exactly how much time we have left.
After I asked myself that question, I found why some people overcome their obstacles, because even if they don’t know how much time they have left, they know life is short. Too short to spend it complaining.
Then I asked, what would I do if I had only 24 hours to live... and I thought after wondering a lot...I would travel. Traveling has been my dream all the time, and looking into my imaginary time-left, I knew, sex, a man, money and beauty wouldn’t matter. Because I would die next day, so what I’d love to feel is my feet in the soil of another place, feeling the air, feeling the different vibe.
Afterwards. Is only my time left the one I know, it’s no one else’s, so I only have to care about how satisfied I would be in the end on how I choose to spend my last days.
And to sum up, time becomes more valuable when you know you only have a bit left , so I think I might start embracing my imaginary clock from now on.
After I asked myself that question, I found why some people overcome their obstacles, because even if they don’t know how much time they have left, they know life is short. Too short to spend it complaining.
Then I asked, what would I do if I had only 24 hours to live... and I thought after wondering a lot...I would travel. Traveling has been my dream all the time, and looking into my imaginary time-left, I knew, sex, a man, money and beauty wouldn’t matter. Because I would die next day, so what I’d love to feel is my feet in the soil of another place, feeling the air, feeling the different vibe.
Afterwards. Is only my time left the one I know, it’s no one else’s, so I only have to care about how satisfied I would be in the end on how I choose to spend my last days.
And to sum up, time becomes more valuable when you know you only have a bit left , so I think I might start embracing my imaginary clock from now on.
4.16.2018
Is it Good not to Feel?
Even when I avoid not feeling the slight shocking experiences that might cause me to drown again... I wonder how good is it to feel nothing at all. Some people experience things crazily, others just simply feel things deeply, and I used to be one of them until I found out that was bringing me worse than good outcomes.
However, sometimes I wonder how it would be like to feel something. To not be so nihilistic and dark. To be poetic and silly again. I guess that indeed it is not so good to avoid feeling, after all, it is pathetic. Sometimes I wish I could get inside someone's else mind and body so that I could feel the same things that they do... Love, friendship, happiness, authentic sensations, not the ones I force myself to feel.
I wish I could make myself into a journalist for a day and walk around asking people how they feel about the world, how it looks for them. If even with all the crap that happens every day they still believe this world is beautiful and what motivates them to see it like that.
Nobody would understand me if I said that even when I cry I don't feel nothing. Appart from the emptiness that caused me to cry in the first place, the fact that I know nothing fills me, and that I abandon every try to even be healthy in all senses.
That is the key word, emptiness: everything just looks so empty, so full of nothing, and that leads me to wonder what is it that people find too attractive about life. Even though my impulse to abandon it is controlled, something inside still not working.
I never considered myself someone envious, but since a while ago, I've noticed I always compare myself to others, and I wonder how they can be so themselves, and I am not even half of what I'd like to be. Is not about beauty, or intelligence, is about being me. The problem with being me is that I am too dark, I can't express myself without looking to offend other people with my bad/dark sense of humor. Indeed, I don't give two fucks about people. I feel so bad for my friends because, inside me, I really don't feel like I have anyone.
Is not fair to anyone to try to get close to someone who will eventually push them away and ignore them, and is not fair for me to feel so bad for doing that, but my philosophy is that I was born alone and alone I will die too. And even if I don't eventually kill myself, I hope I get sick before I have to depend on anyone to take care of me. Why? Because I don't need anyone's pity.
Pity is what I believe people feel for me. It has always been like that. I despise and it makes me really uncomfortable to ask or receive help, and I believe that people are my friends out of pity. I mean... I am just an antisocial who sits alone in the cafeterias avoiding to even look at someone who would try to sit next to me, I am the girl who puts her backpack in the other seat of the bus so that no one else would sit, and during my teenage years I made it so well to just spend 5 years playing online games and as pathetic as it sounds my most significant friendships/loves were experienced there. But then, everything started looking dark, and insignificant and here I am now.
I believe, maybe I am living an existential crisis, trying to find the meaning on this empty world, full of catastrophes and crime, treasons and sadness that don't sadden me at all because I know everything is going to shit in the present so there's no hope it will get better eventually and there's no hope I will either, but deep inside, I wish I could be born again, from another mother... I wish I could have other friends and better parents. I wish I could see myself in a white dress with a man who shakes me just with seeing him and eventually, two little babies which I would watch grow. However, at this point, my fears have eaten me alive and left nothing but my bones and my the blood of my dreams running through the floor. All the times I fell left me scarred, and If I ever heal, I'm not sure I could let the guard down and take the dark curtain out of my eyes, and see the world with other colors, not just black and white.
However, sometimes I wonder how it would be like to feel something. To not be so nihilistic and dark. To be poetic and silly again. I guess that indeed it is not so good to avoid feeling, after all, it is pathetic. Sometimes I wish I could get inside someone's else mind and body so that I could feel the same things that they do... Love, friendship, happiness, authentic sensations, not the ones I force myself to feel.
I wish I could make myself into a journalist for a day and walk around asking people how they feel about the world, how it looks for them. If even with all the crap that happens every day they still believe this world is beautiful and what motivates them to see it like that.
Nobody would understand me if I said that even when I cry I don't feel nothing. Appart from the emptiness that caused me to cry in the first place, the fact that I know nothing fills me, and that I abandon every try to even be healthy in all senses.
That is the key word, emptiness: everything just looks so empty, so full of nothing, and that leads me to wonder what is it that people find too attractive about life. Even though my impulse to abandon it is controlled, something inside still not working.
I never considered myself someone envious, but since a while ago, I've noticed I always compare myself to others, and I wonder how they can be so themselves, and I am not even half of what I'd like to be. Is not about beauty, or intelligence, is about being me. The problem with being me is that I am too dark, I can't express myself without looking to offend other people with my bad/dark sense of humor. Indeed, I don't give two fucks about people. I feel so bad for my friends because, inside me, I really don't feel like I have anyone.
Is not fair to anyone to try to get close to someone who will eventually push them away and ignore them, and is not fair for me to feel so bad for doing that, but my philosophy is that I was born alone and alone I will die too. And even if I don't eventually kill myself, I hope I get sick before I have to depend on anyone to take care of me. Why? Because I don't need anyone's pity.
Pity is what I believe people feel for me. It has always been like that. I despise and it makes me really uncomfortable to ask or receive help, and I believe that people are my friends out of pity. I mean... I am just an antisocial who sits alone in the cafeterias avoiding to even look at someone who would try to sit next to me, I am the girl who puts her backpack in the other seat of the bus so that no one else would sit, and during my teenage years I made it so well to just spend 5 years playing online games and as pathetic as it sounds my most significant friendships/loves were experienced there. But then, everything started looking dark, and insignificant and here I am now.
I believe, maybe I am living an existential crisis, trying to find the meaning on this empty world, full of catastrophes and crime, treasons and sadness that don't sadden me at all because I know everything is going to shit in the present so there's no hope it will get better eventually and there's no hope I will either, but deep inside, I wish I could be born again, from another mother... I wish I could have other friends and better parents. I wish I could see myself in a white dress with a man who shakes me just with seeing him and eventually, two little babies which I would watch grow. However, at this point, my fears have eaten me alive and left nothing but my bones and my the blood of my dreams running through the floor. All the times I fell left me scarred, and If I ever heal, I'm not sure I could let the guard down and take the dark curtain out of my eyes, and see the world with other colors, not just black and white.
3.31.2018
Will it ever go away? NO... I Don't think so.
I don't know how to explain what happened that day, or when it even started.
Why did I keep making myself go back to the same situations to have the same thing happen again?
So why do think I am not at fault if I am.
I really didn't want to talk about it... But I have something eating me alive inside, the memories, they will never go away. One moment I am happy, I believe in God and I think I'll have something good because God has something good for me, he has something for everyone. He said... we were going to have fun, he said he was taking us to the beach and we would meet a new place... I thought, what a nice sir, he knows we don't usually go out and he's offering us a free trip to the beach. What could possibly go wrong? My friend said... it wasn't a good idea, but she invited me to meet him... so if she did could he really be so bad?
He told her he wasn't sleeping with his wife, and she was his love. She said she loved him.
He gave us alcohol...and I accepted it. I DID IT. He didn't push the alcohol into my mouth.
And then we were at the beach... it was beautiful, and I was enjoying the place and the breeze, but that man he invited, he came in front of me and took his dick out of his pants... and he wanted me to suck it... and I didn't. But then he said I was boring. And then I realized, there was no turning back, things were going to get worse. I was drunk, and he told me to be fun and take my T-shirt off. and I did. And I didn't know what I was doing. But then, my friend kissed the man he brought with him, and then he grabbed my face and kissed me with his dirty lips. And I felt like shit, disgusting. And then I thought... it can't get worse, but it could. I thought we were going back home and I was going to be safe, but instead, we went to a motel... and he raped me. I didn't say yes, I tried to keep my clothes on but I couldn't even stay stand, everything around me sounded double and my eyes couldn't see clearly. And I don't remember how many hours went by... but the alcohol was getting out when they finished using me like a toy when they had fun with my body without my permission... and he said... nobody has to feel bad, we are adults. No asshole, I am 17 I am not a fucking adult and you just raped me... and then he made me keep seeing him, and I did because... what worth could I possibly have? I never knew how awful you could feel after things like this. I didn't have anyone to say it to, he was a lawyer, he could have gotten out easily.
I took the alcohol every time, and I kept coming back even though he didn't have enough and accused me of being crazy and boring.
I despise that day I was so desperate for fun, I hate myself so much, hate is just a little word compared to how I feel about myself.
And then why... why did God saved this for me? Weren't he supposed to give me something great? Maybe, I wasn't supposed to be on good terms with him ever...
Why did I agree to hang out with that girl even though I knew she wasn't the best for me. I just wanted to be her friend, because everyone else said bad things about her, and I knew how bad you feel when everyone else talks crap about you and they reject you. All I wanted was to be her friend.
And now every time... I remember it, and I try not to, and I run to wash my tears away before someone notice, and I feel empty, and lately, it's just getting worse, and my therapist says is not my fault, but It was. I went to that place, and I KEPT coming to him because my dignity didn't exist anymore.
Why does it have to be me who feels like this, when it was him who was and still is an asshole, a rapist, and a sexual predator. A manipulative body without consciousness. Why me? Why me who just have had enough shit in my life already, why me? why adding more pain and why did I have to be her friend. Why will the memories never go away? Why doesn't he die?
Why did I keep making myself go back to the same situations to have the same thing happen again?
So why do think I am not at fault if I am.
I really didn't want to talk about it... But I have something eating me alive inside, the memories, they will never go away. One moment I am happy, I believe in God and I think I'll have something good because God has something good for me, he has something for everyone. He said... we were going to have fun, he said he was taking us to the beach and we would meet a new place... I thought, what a nice sir, he knows we don't usually go out and he's offering us a free trip to the beach. What could possibly go wrong? My friend said... it wasn't a good idea, but she invited me to meet him... so if she did could he really be so bad?
He told her he wasn't sleeping with his wife, and she was his love. She said she loved him.
He gave us alcohol...and I accepted it. I DID IT. He didn't push the alcohol into my mouth.
And then we were at the beach... it was beautiful, and I was enjoying the place and the breeze, but that man he invited, he came in front of me and took his dick out of his pants... and he wanted me to suck it... and I didn't. But then he said I was boring. And then I realized, there was no turning back, things were going to get worse. I was drunk, and he told me to be fun and take my T-shirt off. and I did. And I didn't know what I was doing. But then, my friend kissed the man he brought with him, and then he grabbed my face and kissed me with his dirty lips. And I felt like shit, disgusting. And then I thought... it can't get worse, but it could. I thought we were going back home and I was going to be safe, but instead, we went to a motel... and he raped me. I didn't say yes, I tried to keep my clothes on but I couldn't even stay stand, everything around me sounded double and my eyes couldn't see clearly. And I don't remember how many hours went by... but the alcohol was getting out when they finished using me like a toy when they had fun with my body without my permission... and he said... nobody has to feel bad, we are adults. No asshole, I am 17 I am not a fucking adult and you just raped me... and then he made me keep seeing him, and I did because... what worth could I possibly have? I never knew how awful you could feel after things like this. I didn't have anyone to say it to, he was a lawyer, he could have gotten out easily.
I took the alcohol every time, and I kept coming back even though he didn't have enough and accused me of being crazy and boring.
I despise that day I was so desperate for fun, I hate myself so much, hate is just a little word compared to how I feel about myself.
And then why... why did God saved this for me? Weren't he supposed to give me something great? Maybe, I wasn't supposed to be on good terms with him ever...
Why did I agree to hang out with that girl even though I knew she wasn't the best for me. I just wanted to be her friend, because everyone else said bad things about her, and I knew how bad you feel when everyone else talks crap about you and they reject you. All I wanted was to be her friend.
And now every time... I remember it, and I try not to, and I run to wash my tears away before someone notice, and I feel empty, and lately, it's just getting worse, and my therapist says is not my fault, but It was. I went to that place, and I KEPT coming to him because my dignity didn't exist anymore.
Why does it have to be me who feels like this, when it was him who was and still is an asshole, a rapist, and a sexual predator. A manipulative body without consciousness. Why me? Why me who just have had enough shit in my life already, why me? why adding more pain and why did I have to be her friend. Why will the memories never go away? Why doesn't he die?
3.28.2018
What I AM SCARED of.
Some might say this tittle is an awful grammar error, but that error is what fear looks like for me.
I am scared of something big, something terribly bad that might happen but I can't predict, is not real, but it could be. I don't even understand myself, I push people away with my "unpopular opinions" which are really my way of making them see how ugly person I am. Dealing with people is dramatic, drama is annoying and I have enough drama in my mind already.
I am scared of my friends failing me, talking shit behind my back and my mother throwing me away from home, although on my actual state I don't even think I have a home. When people get close to me they might think of me as a dark, nihilistic and egoistic person who doesn't give a shit about others. Apparently my brain is magical and has gain the ability to read other people's mind without even talking to them, just looking at them is enough to know that they dislike me.
I am scared of my significant others leaving alone, and my life falling apart. Being happy and being attacked by Murphy's law in the worst way, since my past has been awful, my present could be even worst if I even think of the word happiness. I DON'T want to deal with trauma, it is bullshit, crap and darkness, why does it even exist? Balance seems unfair when you think that in order to have something good something bad must be checking you out from the corner, kind of like a thief looking at you when you just got out of the bank with your paycheck changed.
I am terrified to be lonely, because when I am,I do stupid shit, and when I do that I get depressed. Apparently I am the enemy and the bad friend that I am scared of. In the end, this leads me to the conclusion that all that I fear is in my mind, my mind is my enemy, and blowing my brain off is not going to do anything because somehow I believe that this is not a good death, I might stay in the Limbo, or in Hell, or I might come back to earth as a prisoner and be punished worst than now. I mean, I am able to study, I am "pretty" in some way and I am smart. Yes, I fail at some things like interpersonal relationships and family life, but my future looks shiny and will be unless that thief checking me out on the corner decides to fuck my life off. However, I will attack him back and kill him if necessary, because since he's imaginary I can't go to jail for killing him. So yeah, the good thing about your imaginary enemies is that you don't go to jail for killing them, and if in the end something goes wrong I just have to get over it and be mature, life is short, so this is a waste of time and reading this bullshit too, but I need to know what I am thinking in order to attack these thoughts back.
I am scared of something big, something terribly bad that might happen but I can't predict, is not real, but it could be. I don't even understand myself, I push people away with my "unpopular opinions" which are really my way of making them see how ugly person I am. Dealing with people is dramatic, drama is annoying and I have enough drama in my mind already.
I am scared of my friends failing me, talking shit behind my back and my mother throwing me away from home, although on my actual state I don't even think I have a home. When people get close to me they might think of me as a dark, nihilistic and egoistic person who doesn't give a shit about others. Apparently my brain is magical and has gain the ability to read other people's mind without even talking to them, just looking at them is enough to know that they dislike me.
I am scared of my significant others leaving alone, and my life falling apart. Being happy and being attacked by Murphy's law in the worst way, since my past has been awful, my present could be even worst if I even think of the word happiness. I DON'T want to deal with trauma, it is bullshit, crap and darkness, why does it even exist? Balance seems unfair when you think that in order to have something good something bad must be checking you out from the corner, kind of like a thief looking at you when you just got out of the bank with your paycheck changed.
I am terrified to be lonely, because when I am,I do stupid shit, and when I do that I get depressed. Apparently I am the enemy and the bad friend that I am scared of. In the end, this leads me to the conclusion that all that I fear is in my mind, my mind is my enemy, and blowing my brain off is not going to do anything because somehow I believe that this is not a good death, I might stay in the Limbo, or in Hell, or I might come back to earth as a prisoner and be punished worst than now. I mean, I am able to study, I am "pretty" in some way and I am smart. Yes, I fail at some things like interpersonal relationships and family life, but my future looks shiny and will be unless that thief checking me out on the corner decides to fuck my life off. However, I will attack him back and kill him if necessary, because since he's imaginary I can't go to jail for killing him. So yeah, the good thing about your imaginary enemies is that you don't go to jail for killing them, and if in the end something goes wrong I just have to get over it and be mature, life is short, so this is a waste of time and reading this bullshit too, but I need to know what I am thinking in order to attack these thoughts back.
2.03.2018
Unmotivated and Unsure about What I Want
Lately, it's been so hard to think about the way I want my life to go. My motivation has completely disappeared, people would say I am just being lazy but is not like that. I don't want to write, I don't want to play anything or go to places, I even don't feel like I love my boyfriend anymore. All I do it's trying to find culprits, and it gives me a headache just to think about my grades. For the record: being depressed as a college student its hell. I barely passed classes on Fall, now I look at my assignments and think what the fuck is this. I just do whatever I have to do without even understanding it, and most of the time lie in bed hoping I could die. I made some "improvements" in my social life, started going to the gym again by myself, and even started going to a club of writers. I thought that would change something on my attitude towards the world in general, but It didn't. I tried to break-up with my boyfriend and even before I said the words my tears fell from my eyes nonstop and he convinced me with his words to stay and give him a chance until February ended. Sometimes, I even try to think that he passed his lack of motivation to me, even though he's actually trying. But most of the time he tries to get a job just when I pressure him into it. I am so tired. But I am not tired of him, or my mom, or sisters. I am tired of the weight of life into me, everything makes me feel like I am shrinking, and nothing brings joy to me. When I am alone, all I think of it's about all the bad things my boyfriend, mom, and sister do to me and how bad my life it's going, I don't have a life of my own. I used to be so smart, lively and happy, I used to not give a shit. What it's holding me here? I don't know. I don't want to take more pills, I don't want to talk anymore. My self-image it's a joke, I look into the mirror and all I see it's darkness. I am gross, I am fat. I don't love myself. I feel like I could grab a full bottle of pills and intoxicate myself hoping to die in the end, I feel like I could put a spoon in a power outlet. But there's no a painless way to die. Why am I so weak and why do I complain so much? When is this gonna end? When will I stop hurting people in order to feel less lonely? I am an ugly human being, my heart it's dark. If god it's out there he hates me, cause I've said horrible things about him and blamed him even though I was the culprit of everything that has happened to me. How do I get out of this cycle? I am tired, I am lonely... I am sad. Some people care, but I don't care. All I attract are negative people because I am one myself. All I have inside its pain, endless, tiring. I am bleeding to death, and my heart it's broken.
1.18.2018
How Am I?
I feel like I am drowning in an endless hole full of water. Falling deep inside... I don't have a string to save me.
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