I haven't been feeling like the person I was in the past lately. Indeed the past makes me feel a certain judgmental way about myself that I don't enjoy and affects my relationship with my fiance, (which I never thought I would ever have).
The fact that I used to send nudes to a bunch of strangers on the internet since I was 13 years old and nowadays I don't have a fucking idea where those are, and that I had sex with over 30 guys that I don't even remember their names makes me feel like I am a hoe that can't do any better than that and makes me feel sorry for my fiance. He knows all about that and I am surprised that he doesn't judge and doesn't expects me to give him sex all the time just for the fact of my sexually promiscuous past. Sadly sometimes I look at myself and think that he could do better than me.
However, I know I am not the perfect person, but I know I am not a bad partner and I do my best to make him happy. He doesn't think of me the same way I do, and it is surprising and hurtful to me that I judge myself so badly.
I cannot blame anybody but the lack of validation I felt when I was younger for the things I did. I never felt any kind of satisfaction whenever I fucked all those guys, indeed, all I ended up was with a really bad feeling of emptiness, even though the fact that at the time they were fucking me made me feel pretty for a few minutes, until they never talked to me again and I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me.
It took me a while to get rid of my shell with my fiance and I never thought I would feel so fulfilled emotionally and sexually and so secure that I had somebody by my side who just look at me and nobody else in a loving sincere way. In the beginning I tried to make him be one of those temporary guys who came and left, but he stood by my side and dealt with all my crap and surprisingly although I doubted myself all of this time, I have been staying faithful to him because I just don't feel the need to look at other people anymore. I feel completely full of love by his side even when he's been away in the military. Again, I NEVER thought I could ever get to this point in my life which is more than I wanted and I am thankful.
I also gained a family which I feel their affection even though their don't have my own blood, I never had the blood related love of a family either way but even with my adoptive family I never felt so taken in by so many people.
This episode of my life is completely different for me and my mind is taking a while getting used to it. I am so thankful for all the good things in my present even though my past tries to knock on the door of my memories and make me feel like absolute crap.
I know the way I acted was wrong, I know people that know me from before have a certain judgement about me. However, they were never there when all of those acts started, they never saw all the emotional pain I was going through, all the physical abuse, all the neglect, the lack of love by the people who were supposed to take care of me. Being alone in a house having to be alert all of the time because I could be yelled at, hit and I didn't understand why and then being compared to my little adoptive sister, which was obviously more loved because she was blood related, therefore, their opinions don't have a fair fundament and they don't matter.
I am so thankful to God, I might not understand the way he does things, I might be resentful to him for my past and I regret it too, but I am a work in progress in all the possible ways, and I am thankful for being alive because of all the amazing things and people I have gotten to know.
So maybe it is time to stop feeling bad about the past and starting to live the present.
