Mother...

 I wish I could say I was lucky to have three mothers, however, reality is different and painful to cope with. 

Let's start with her, my biological mother. 

Mother, this is a letter that you're never going to get and don't have the ability to read. I dont understand the circumstances that led me to be born from you, I don't know how I was conceived, I don't know my father and I'm sure you don't either and you don't even recognize me. 

You should have never had children. Someone or multiple somebody's decided that for you. I dont know how many more siblings I have that were abandoned by you, and I hope they weren't as abused as I was. 

It is easy for me to forgive you because even though you brought me to this world, you weren't mentally capable of taking your own decisions and I'm sorry for whatever you had been through. 

However, as easy as it is, it still was painful to understand why the person who brought me to life left me to slowly die inside with an abusive parent. However now I understand, you didn't know. Your parents took your decisions and they decided what family I was meant to belong. 

I forgive you,

Your daughter that you'll never recognize

Adoptive mother, 

I know that you had the best intentions, you saw a woman with an unborn baby still not born and you got offered that baby. My grandparents probably saw something in you that made them think you were a good choice. 

I loved you like a real mother and I never felt you reciprocated that love. You never really directly harmed me and I know you had a lot in your plate. I dont think you deserved to have an autistic child and an absent, cheater of a husband. You carry that weight and will always because that kid cannot take care of himself. Therefore I know I was probably too much of an addition to that responsibility. 

However, you legally decided to give me your last name and have me as a daughter, you never got forced into adopting me and that is why It always hurts thinking about how you decided to go to the United States and leave me behind with your own mother. 

I never had a fathers love, but if I had have your love it would have made my life so much happier. I am not sure how many things wouldn't have happened to me but I would have definitely turned out a more loving person. 

Your biological daughter has good grades, high self esteem, she's a high achiever. She's 16 and still innocent, at 17 I was raped and you didn't have an idea. 

I was always hoping you'd come back and get me, but you never did, you never listened to my tears, you didn't stopped your mother from hitting me and mentally abusing me. Why? 

It is hard for me to forgive you, but I cant keep carrying this weight with me. You abandoned me too, you only were a mother to me in a legal paper, but not in life. 

But I forgive you, not for you but for me. 

Because I deserve to be happy too, I deserve a chance in life, I cannot change the past but I can change the present, and in the present I decide I cannot carry your weight with me anymore. 

I forgive you,

And thank you for giving me the chance to leave your mother's side at 17... even though it was already too late. 

Lastly and painfully, 

I don't want to call you mother, not even grandmother, I honestly wish I didn't have to hear from you ever again. It is hard to write this because I have little if not nothing to say about you. I tried to repress every single memory I have from growing up with you. And unfortunately there is people in the family who still expect me to call you and act like you never harmed me. 

When I think of you the words "you're useless, hoe, lesbian, why aren't you like your mom" come back to my mind like rain and thanks to theraphy they dont make me tear up anymore. Now they feel like nothing, as they are. Just words you used to bring me down and step on my life whenever you were frustrated with your own. 

I know I wasn't the only victim to your violence, you did the same to my uncles and mother. They think is normal to stay in contact with you even after that or well they decided to just brush it off. Just keep in mind, they were all together when you did that. That wasn't the case with me, I was alone. 

I was alone at "home" I was alone at school. Nobody really talked to me because I was always wearing old clothes, I smelled bad and my hair wasn't done. I was socially inept and didn't understand human interactions. I was envious of every other girl at school because they had what I didn't. Loving parents and a family. 

I had to find love somewhere, so I did and It wasn't love. I was 13 years old when I had my first boyfriend, and a lot happened. He was older than me too. It wasn't love, but I didn't know what love was. 

You made me bleed both physically and mentally, the harm you made stays buried deep in my brain. It shows in my anger issues, in my relationships, in my lack of self love and confidence. My abandonment fears, my choices in life. 

It is not fair, you were successful, but the price of it was you being able to take out your life frustrations with me, hitting me, yelling at me, hitting me in front of my friends, your friends, depriving me of personal privacy, observing my every move, making me clean everyone's messes at home, making me work for you instead of me focusing on schoolwork. 

I was your maid who you could also physically and mentally abuse. You were not a mom, you were a dictator. 

I dont think I will honestly ever forget all you did to me, I don't think I deserved it, you stole my childhood, you stole my social ability, and my posibly success in life. I am in constant grief over all the things you stole from me. 

I was a child, I deserved love and attention,

I deserved to enjoy my childhood,

But you took that away from me.

I dont understand why, I will never understand, and I hope you find peace because even though you say you don't remember, I DO. And it is very shitty for you to say you never did those things to me, as if they never existed. They were real as they are still real in my mind, but they dont hurt me anymore. 

Therefore, 

I forgive you

And I do it because I will soon be a mother,

And I will be all the things you never were, 

I will love my daughter, I will teach her that she's the most precious thing in the world, I will teach her discipline with love, not with slaps, and abuse, 

I will give my daughter that love that you stole from me in my childhood and I will keep giving her my love even when she's older, I will teach her that a man must love her and she's the most valuable person in the world. I will offer her my trust, I will let her succeed in her studies and her friendships. She doesn't need to fulfill my unrealistic expectations. 

Thank you for teaching me how to be a mother, by not having being one yourself. 

The Past

I haven't been feeling like the person I was in the past lately. Indeed the past makes me feel a certain judgmental way about myself that I don't enjoy and affects my relationship with my fiance, (which I never thought I would ever have).

The fact that I used to send nudes to a bunch of strangers on the internet since I was 13 years old and nowadays I don't have a fucking idea where those are, and that I had sex with over 30 guys that I don't even remember their names makes me feel like I am a hoe that can't do any better than that and makes me feel sorry for my fiance. He knows all about that and I am surprised that he doesn't judge and doesn't expects me to give him sex all the time just for the fact of my sexually promiscuous past. Sadly sometimes I look at myself and think that he could do better than me.

However, I know I am not the perfect person, but I know I am not a bad partner and I do my best to make him happy. He doesn't think of me the same way I do, and it is surprising and hurtful to me that I judge myself so badly.

I cannot blame anybody but the lack of validation I felt when I was younger for the things I did. I never felt any kind of satisfaction whenever I fucked all those guys, indeed, all I ended up was with a really bad feeling of emptiness, even though the fact that at the time they were fucking me made me feel pretty for a few minutes, until they never talked to me again and I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me.

It took me a while to get rid of my shell with my fiance and I never thought I would feel so fulfilled emotionally and sexually and so secure that I had somebody by my side who just look at me and nobody else in a loving sincere way. In the beginning I tried to make him be one of those temporary guys who came and left, but he stood by my side and dealt with all my crap and surprisingly although I doubted myself all of this time, I have been staying faithful to him because I just don't feel the need to look at other people anymore. I feel completely full of love by his side even when he's been away in the military. Again, I NEVER thought I could ever get to this point in my life which is more than I wanted and I am thankful.

I also gained a family which I feel their affection even though their don't have my own blood, I never had the blood related love of a family either way but even with my adoptive family I never felt so taken in by so many people. 

This episode of my life is completely different for me and my mind is taking a while getting used to it. I am so thankful for all the good things in my present even though my past tries to knock on the door of my memories and make me feel like absolute crap.

I know the way I acted was wrong, I know people that know me from before have a certain judgement about me. However, they were never there when all of those acts started, they never saw all the emotional pain I was going through, all the physical abuse, all the neglect, the lack of love by the people who were supposed  to take care of me. Being alone in a house having to be alert all of the time because I could be yelled at, hit and I didn't understand why and then being compared to my little adoptive sister, which was obviously more loved because she was blood related, therefore, their opinions don't have a fair fundament and they don't matter.

I am so thankful to God, I might not understand the way he does things, I might be resentful to him for my past and I regret it too, but I am a work in progress in all the possible ways, and I am thankful for being alive because of all the amazing things and people I have gotten to know.
So maybe it is time to stop feeling bad about the past and starting to live the present.