Nastyness

When you think about crap, there's nothing pretty about it. When you think about a person, you don't necessarily associate it with crap...just the fact, that the person isn't pretty in any sense and lately, I've been associating me and you with that.
I've discovered why the cemetery it's so interesting to me and I contemplate it with attention losing myself inside its rottenness and its death-smelly air. It's because of you, and how you made me feel at some point in my life. It's completely fine because that's just what we are... When we die, the worms are going to eat us, there will be no sky, no hell, just worms and the smell of your dead body.
That smelly body it's the one that you wanted to keep young and that horrible image of that body it's the one that someday looked so perfect to everyone around you. They didn't know, what you did with your hands or your words. They didn't know that my life was a hell because of you and that I felt as shitty as you for 17 years of my life.
You taught me to want to be perfect. However, when you discovered that I wasn't as you wanted you got upset and made me get depressed because I wasn't and I became as unhappy as you. You shot me this fear of having kids and this hatred to them because I wish I have had the option of not being born. I've been thinking that parents are the evilest and egocentric beings on earth. They don't want to get rid of a baby just because people will judge them, but they do want to make the kid feel culprit of having come to this world even though they make the stupid decision of bringing it here.
What we are in the end it's just meat and bones, and some people like you.... don't even include a soul, and because you don't have a soul.. you destroyed mine too. All this time I've been trying to get it back without results. I've found reasons why I don't want to destroy this meat and bones just yet because I've found people who care about me, who show me that I am not a shit like you said I would be.
I want you to know, that the fact that we are just meat and bones and that we're going to die eventually and get eaten by animals and forgotten by the world, to me, means that we're both the same even though you made me feel like I was inferior to everyone in this world and I should feel like a burden to everyone here. What makes people be different and not just a shitty compound of flesh and bones it's how you treat people, and it's okay if you want to treat people bad, but just know, that if you do.. you're just going to be a crap for the rest of the life that you have remaining.
As for me, I'm trying hard not to be like you. I am overcoming depression and my very low-self confidence little by little. Maybe one day I'll forget that as a kid you hit me and call me a whore and made me feel culprit for being adopted and the daughter of a bitch... and maybe I'll have kids and give them a VERY different life, not at all compared to what you give to me. If I do that, it'll be my biggest achievement because as for now, I hate kids, I hate to see loving parents because I didn't have them, and I hate to have to see you again.

Silence is Like an Atomic Bomb

Dear People that surround me:

What do you think my silence is? I wonder if every time I shut myself off when you do/say something I don't like you think I am a stupid fool. I am almost sure that every time I say yes to every fucking shit, and agree with you on every stupid thing you think I am the silliest person you've met, but I wonder why...?

Why do you always have to be the people that I am most closer to, the ones who do these shits to me. Do I have the word idiot painted on my face? Or is it because I grew up oppressed by a familiar dictatorship that you think I don't have a word for your fucking horrible acts.

Dear sister...

Why did you become like our mother? You abandoned your kids, and still considered yourself a mother? Do you even think about how your kids feel, or are you so fucking egocentric that you can't see the damage you're causing? Why'd you do that? Every time I speak to you, I see the clear picture of her. You make me feel like I am drowning, and I want to peel this skin these genes off me, because I hate my origin, I hate to be the product of sex between a whore and a rapist, and I hate to see that you have became exactly that, and that you sell your body and leave that man that clearly doesn't deserve you mistreat you and tell you you're crazy. I hated how you fucked your neighbor because you needed money. You still don't want to get a job and still want to get everything so fucking easy. I wonder if you convinced yourself that your best attribute was your body, and I feel so bad for you sister. 

When I knew I was adopted I really wanted to know if I had a sister, someone related to me, that could understand me and wasn't exactly as my progenitors. I am not surprised though to see that life is dark, as always, and that if what you want its good, you will not have it. Now, I am sorry sister, but I don't want to keep reading your bullshit, I don't want to know that you sold your body again, that you got pregnant again and abandoned your kid, I am so tired of you and I never thought that meeting my sister was going to be so painful and make me feel like an atomic bomb, and make me explode like this without precedents.