Days ago, I was watching a video. The video was about being a perfectionist and what was wrong with it. I personally think, that everyone has a proper definition for everything and I could have my own definition of perfectionism but this one really was fitting for me.
I've been seeing the word often. This summer I decided to take a psychology course, it's not something that goes towards my degree but I could still choose it and I did it as a personal benefit so that I didn't have to spend all my summer at home doing nothing and getting depressed. In this course, I've learned about the "Super Ego". It is how we learn to punish ourselves, as opposed to the "Ego" which acts seeking rewards, but the "Super Ego" seeks perfection and follows society rules, or learned rules from our parents.
In my case, I learned at a young age that everything had to be perfect or I would be punished. I had to clean perfectly because, if I was going to do something incorrectly I would rather not do anything... at least that's how I was taught.
The thing is, on the video I watched, they defined bad perfectionism, as trying to be perfect without seeing the effort that it really takes to be perfect. Consequently, when we see that everything doesn't go as we want, as fast as we want it, instead of as it should be, then we get frustrated.
Now, I think about it, and I've always wanted to be perfect because I wanted my parents to feel proud of me, so, I tried to have good grades, to have the friends that they wanted me to have, to be religious and all that, just leave me empty, and depressed. I learned to be a “victim” of life. And here comes another election learned at my summer course... We don't like change, and we love to act as victims, but even if you go to the counselor, you are paying for getting better so... depression it's just a waste of money and a waste of time living in the time in your mind, where you don't to move because you think you're safe where you are now but you're probably not. So the point of all this:
- I don't need to be perfect or seek approbation of anyone
- I should start seeing the effort that it actually takes to makes things work: relationships, friendships, family, love, work, studies and then, be more realistic.
With this said, I remember that time when my doctor told me: "Life is not easy"... I knew it, not because he said it wasn't but because it's hard to get the things you want. People don't have a good marriage just because, they put their effort into it to make it work. They don't get their dream house if they don't work for it, and they don't raise good kids if they don't discipline them CORRECTLY. etc., etc. At that time, the first thing I had in mind was... "well, if life is not easy, why should I be alive?" "I am not strong enough for this life"... dark thoughts... taking over me. But now, I see how things work, I understand, that if my mother's marriage didn't work was because they didn't put all their effort and love, and it doesn't mean that MY marriage will not work either when I get married. I understand that If I felt so miserable at some point in my life, was because the person who raised me, did it incorrectly BECAUSE she didn’t forgive the person who hit her when she was young, and I wasn’t culprit of that, but I paid for it. Now, I AM responsible for ending the abusive cycle because I know it hurts, and nobody should be hurt like that. Yes, I know is not easy, but if I liked easy things, I would be so fucking boring, so, I am just going to live, cause... even though there are things that make me sad, obstacles and things that make me anxious, I am not the only one, and I have people that love me, as well as people who hate me, but I don't care about the second ones, just the first ones because thanks to them, I am still here, I laugh, I feel relieved, and I have hope.
