Mother...

 I wish I could say I was lucky to have three mothers, however, reality is different and painful to cope with. 

Let's start with her, my biological mother. 

Mother, this is a letter that you're never going to get and don't have the ability to read. I dont understand the circumstances that led me to be born from you, I don't know how I was conceived, I don't know my father and I'm sure you don't either and you don't even recognize me. 

You should have never had children. Someone or multiple somebody's decided that for you. I dont know how many more siblings I have that were abandoned by you, and I hope they weren't as abused as I was. 

It is easy for me to forgive you because even though you brought me to this world, you weren't mentally capable of taking your own decisions and I'm sorry for whatever you had been through. 

However, as easy as it is, it still was painful to understand why the person who brought me to life left me to slowly die inside with an abusive parent. However now I understand, you didn't know. Your parents took your decisions and they decided what family I was meant to belong. 

I forgive you,

Your daughter that you'll never recognize

Adoptive mother, 

I know that you had the best intentions, you saw a woman with an unborn baby still not born and you got offered that baby. My grandparents probably saw something in you that made them think you were a good choice. 

I loved you like a real mother and I never felt you reciprocated that love. You never really directly harmed me and I know you had a lot in your plate. I dont think you deserved to have an autistic child and an absent, cheater of a husband. You carry that weight and will always because that kid cannot take care of himself. Therefore I know I was probably too much of an addition to that responsibility. 

However, you legally decided to give me your last name and have me as a daughter, you never got forced into adopting me and that is why It always hurts thinking about how you decided to go to the United States and leave me behind with your own mother. 

I never had a fathers love, but if I had have your love it would have made my life so much happier. I am not sure how many things wouldn't have happened to me but I would have definitely turned out a more loving person. 

Your biological daughter has good grades, high self esteem, she's a high achiever. She's 16 and still innocent, at 17 I was raped and you didn't have an idea. 

I was always hoping you'd come back and get me, but you never did, you never listened to my tears, you didn't stopped your mother from hitting me and mentally abusing me. Why? 

It is hard for me to forgive you, but I cant keep carrying this weight with me. You abandoned me too, you only were a mother to me in a legal paper, but not in life. 

But I forgive you, not for you but for me. 

Because I deserve to be happy too, I deserve a chance in life, I cannot change the past but I can change the present, and in the present I decide I cannot carry your weight with me anymore. 

I forgive you,

And thank you for giving me the chance to leave your mother's side at 17... even though it was already too late. 

Lastly and painfully, 

I don't want to call you mother, not even grandmother, I honestly wish I didn't have to hear from you ever again. It is hard to write this because I have little if not nothing to say about you. I tried to repress every single memory I have from growing up with you. And unfortunately there is people in the family who still expect me to call you and act like you never harmed me. 

When I think of you the words "you're useless, hoe, lesbian, why aren't you like your mom" come back to my mind like rain and thanks to theraphy they dont make me tear up anymore. Now they feel like nothing, as they are. Just words you used to bring me down and step on my life whenever you were frustrated with your own. 

I know I wasn't the only victim to your violence, you did the same to my uncles and mother. They think is normal to stay in contact with you even after that or well they decided to just brush it off. Just keep in mind, they were all together when you did that. That wasn't the case with me, I was alone. 

I was alone at "home" I was alone at school. Nobody really talked to me because I was always wearing old clothes, I smelled bad and my hair wasn't done. I was socially inept and didn't understand human interactions. I was envious of every other girl at school because they had what I didn't. Loving parents and a family. 

I had to find love somewhere, so I did and It wasn't love. I was 13 years old when I had my first boyfriend, and a lot happened. He was older than me too. It wasn't love, but I didn't know what love was. 

You made me bleed both physically and mentally, the harm you made stays buried deep in my brain. It shows in my anger issues, in my relationships, in my lack of self love and confidence. My abandonment fears, my choices in life. 

It is not fair, you were successful, but the price of it was you being able to take out your life frustrations with me, hitting me, yelling at me, hitting me in front of my friends, your friends, depriving me of personal privacy, observing my every move, making me clean everyone's messes at home, making me work for you instead of me focusing on schoolwork. 

I was your maid who you could also physically and mentally abuse. You were not a mom, you were a dictator. 

I dont think I will honestly ever forget all you did to me, I don't think I deserved it, you stole my childhood, you stole my social ability, and my posibly success in life. I am in constant grief over all the things you stole from me. 

I was a child, I deserved love and attention,

I deserved to enjoy my childhood,

But you took that away from me.

I dont understand why, I will never understand, and I hope you find peace because even though you say you don't remember, I DO. And it is very shitty for you to say you never did those things to me, as if they never existed. They were real as they are still real in my mind, but they dont hurt me anymore. 

Therefore, 

I forgive you

And I do it because I will soon be a mother,

And I will be all the things you never were, 

I will love my daughter, I will teach her that she's the most precious thing in the world, I will teach her discipline with love, not with slaps, and abuse, 

I will give my daughter that love that you stole from me in my childhood and I will keep giving her my love even when she's older, I will teach her that a man must love her and she's the most valuable person in the world. I will offer her my trust, I will let her succeed in her studies and her friendships. She doesn't need to fulfill my unrealistic expectations. 

Thank you for teaching me how to be a mother, by not having being one yourself. 

The Past

I haven't been feeling like the person I was in the past lately. Indeed the past makes me feel a certain judgmental way about myself that I don't enjoy and affects my relationship with my fiance, (which I never thought I would ever have).

The fact that I used to send nudes to a bunch of strangers on the internet since I was 13 years old and nowadays I don't have a fucking idea where those are, and that I had sex with over 30 guys that I don't even remember their names makes me feel like I am a hoe that can't do any better than that and makes me feel sorry for my fiance. He knows all about that and I am surprised that he doesn't judge and doesn't expects me to give him sex all the time just for the fact of my sexually promiscuous past. Sadly sometimes I look at myself and think that he could do better than me.

However, I know I am not the perfect person, but I know I am not a bad partner and I do my best to make him happy. He doesn't think of me the same way I do, and it is surprising and hurtful to me that I judge myself so badly.

I cannot blame anybody but the lack of validation I felt when I was younger for the things I did. I never felt any kind of satisfaction whenever I fucked all those guys, indeed, all I ended up was with a really bad feeling of emptiness, even though the fact that at the time they were fucking me made me feel pretty for a few minutes, until they never talked to me again and I couldn't understand what was so wrong with me.

It took me a while to get rid of my shell with my fiance and I never thought I would feel so fulfilled emotionally and sexually and so secure that I had somebody by my side who just look at me and nobody else in a loving sincere way. In the beginning I tried to make him be one of those temporary guys who came and left, but he stood by my side and dealt with all my crap and surprisingly although I doubted myself all of this time, I have been staying faithful to him because I just don't feel the need to look at other people anymore. I feel completely full of love by his side even when he's been away in the military. Again, I NEVER thought I could ever get to this point in my life which is more than I wanted and I am thankful.

I also gained a family which I feel their affection even though their don't have my own blood, I never had the blood related love of a family either way but even with my adoptive family I never felt so taken in by so many people. 

This episode of my life is completely different for me and my mind is taking a while getting used to it. I am so thankful for all the good things in my present even though my past tries to knock on the door of my memories and make me feel like absolute crap.

I know the way I acted was wrong, I know people that know me from before have a certain judgement about me. However, they were never there when all of those acts started, they never saw all the emotional pain I was going through, all the physical abuse, all the neglect, the lack of love by the people who were supposed  to take care of me. Being alone in a house having to be alert all of the time because I could be yelled at, hit and I didn't understand why and then being compared to my little adoptive sister, which was obviously more loved because she was blood related, therefore, their opinions don't have a fair fundament and they don't matter.

I am so thankful to God, I might not understand the way he does things, I might be resentful to him for my past and I regret it too, but I am a work in progress in all the possible ways, and I am thankful for being alive because of all the amazing things and people I have gotten to know.
So maybe it is time to stop feeling bad about the past and starting to live the present.

God Is Testing My Patience

Life, or God, works in mysterious ways.
I never thought or even imagined that I would be living the situation I am right now even though one day I desired it.
I finally found a real loving relationship which took me some months to assimulate after so much abuse, cheating and me deciding that men werent shit. I couldn't be touched by my Significant other without thinking he wanted to sexually assault me, I couldnt be hugged without cringing and I couldn't be intimate without remembering my past experiences. Nowadays I still do it, but I stopped hiding in my anger and started being vulnerable. I still think my boyfriend is going to leave me for another goal oriented fulfilled sexier woman, and it is a work in process to get it out of my mind. This man always puts me first and not only says that he loves me, he shows it.

So what is the problem?
He enlisted in the military,
I never imagined I would be able to be away from somebody for 3 months without dumping him. I never have put a man before work or have traveled away just to see anyone graduate.
I have never put money after love. Not until I met him. But it feels like someone is taking my heart and making it smaller every time I come home and hes not here with me. I wish I could have those hugs I took for granted, I wish I could kiss him, I wish we could just lay down in bed and do nothing. But who knows when we will be able to do those simple things again without having to say good bye next day for 6 months or who knows how long. 

I feel like all this is happening because God is testing my patience. I have always blamed him for every single bad thing that has happen to me, I have been ungrateful and I could not see the positive things in my life. My partner isnt the reason of my happiness but he is one of the good things I have in my life. I love this man and all I want for him is not to be unhappy when he wakes up thinking he has to go work at his shitty job that he hates, so I am willing to put my patience for 4 years and however long he decides to be there, and if one day he decides this is over then I will move on. But now all I wish I had is that man next to me.

I want to lift myself up and build the best version of me so not only he reaches his potential but also me so we can have a fullfilling relationship, and I will when I take this weight away from me and learn to live with the pain of the distance between us which at the moment is creating a hole in my heart that aches.

I want to Live but Don't Know How to

All I say about not ending it right now are lies.
I want to live, there is nobody stopping me,
Everyone has their own life to deal with
Nobody is telling me to stop
I am
Because I want to live
But don't know how to
How do I take out the loneliness
How do I have goals in a world that is black and white
These people that go around with a shiny smile in their face,
Cheering everyone around them, so easy,
They have goals and are happy
How do they do it?
Nobody can explain how, or what makes them happy
They just are
I don't have a reason to be, I have momentary moments of happiness
And daily waves of sadness
I feel dead inside and makes no sense
I am alive
But can't live
I have this shield
I act tough, but I am soft
But nobody can break in
I don't expect them to understand me
I don't understand myself and my brain had to be wired a different way
But I am not alone,
and I know me and all other people who feel like me, we can beat it.
I can do this, I cannot go back to being innocent and pure, nobody really can
I can't go back to being sweet and loving the way I did before
I am stronger now and will learn to do that wisely, but not with my shield
I don't want someone to find me dead in my room with a bottle of pills in my hand
I don't want someone to find me dead with a bullet in my brain
Suicide is no joke, it hurts people, though I am hurt,
but because I am hurt, I don't want anyone else to feel like me
I can do this
I will find a  way out,
and in that path I will recover the enjoyment for life
I will love my friends and family and every second I will find it worth living
I will love my job, there will be no need to change situations hoping to find happiness out of me when I should fix what's wrong inside so I can enjoy it outside, I can do this.

No Connection... With My Own Self

Lately, I am feeling like I totally detached my body from the only way I had to express my feelings, which was writing poetry (I can't, and won't get inspired about any fuckboy, that would be stupid as fuck). Even worst I am feeling no connection to anything in particular. I learned to hide my feelings but I lost them in the way. 

All these years of trying to be strong: Not crying when my grandmother hit and abused me mentally so I wouldn't give her power over my feelings. Not saying what I felt for a man because he would mock me and say I was crazy, or just leave me for another girl just because...

I always ended comparing myself to these girls wondering what was so good about them that no man could love me. I also resented these girls who had a family, where the fuck was mine? why was I left behind, not understood, shut off? The same thing that keeps me safe was the one that keeps me disconnected, my pride. 

Imagine being in a pause while everybody else out there is moving. Yeah, some people will understand that it sucks. I feel like a grumpy old lady in a 22 years old woman body. Everything else can be working, you can be independent, you can accomplish whatever you want, but what do you do if inside you don't feel connected to what you're doing? You're just going with the flow. 

Not expressing myself, my ideas or needs, because they would be neglected and punished, took its toll on me. I feel like a body that does what it's supposed to do, but it feels nothing about what it's doing. 

I am like, hey asshole, can you at least feel infatuated for somebody? can you feel love, not envy for your friends just because they are happily in a relationship and you're not? 

I try to open up to somebody and my brain is like: No, you want to be hurt again? just go ahead and fuck with him until he goes away, he's going to leave you anyway so you better don't catch feelings. (As if it was a fucking virus that's gonna kill me). I can say, even though love was a bitch to me, I felt alive when I was in it. I fuck up possible relationships saying that I rather have casual sex if you're going to anyways end up being a jerk. At least even though I am not going to enjoy it, I am going to be connected to your dick for as long as until you cum. 

My anger and resentment are the only feelings that I kept with me, but how do I get rid of resentment? It's so bad to take it out of me, it's hard to smile, like truly. Even the security guard at my job gets surprised when he sees me smiling, cause I am never nice. I think If I smile something bad is going to happen to take that smile out of my face. How do people do it? How can they be going around even faking that they are happy? 

Shoulds and Shouldnt's

I am going to make a list of things I BELIEVE shouldn't and should be done. If you find yourself asking: "should I do this?" Is this right? maybe there's something wrong with the situation, for instance:

Should you leave a man/woman control what you wear so you won't look like a slut?

No, he's an insecure asshole who thinks if you go out dressing like the beautiful woman you are you are going to find someone better than him, and if he is doing this there probably is someone better than him.

Should you leave this person to decide when you go out, with who and who should be your friends?
No, manipulative people are going to keep you away from people who are close to you so they can have full control of you and you can stay. They will lie and exaggerate using your weaknesses as a way of controlling you and you should recognize the red flags so you can get the fuck away from these types of people.

Should you wear what you feel beautiful with?

Yes, girl you should be looking at yourself in the mirror every day loving yourself and the incredible woman you are, you should be proud of everything you have accomplished no matter how small it seems to you, you are hardworking, you are smart, value yourself and get out of anyone who tries to be a manipulative asshole and cannot see you happy without him. 

Should you allow a man to not let you decide when you want to have sex and have to have whenever he wants?

Absolutely fucking no, you have the right to consent whether or not you want to have sex. He cannot force himself into you, even when you have sex with a man without really wanting you are not consenting inside of your own mind and it's gonna feel like shit giving your body to this man. If he truly loves you he will understand. 

On the other hand, if you're the person who stopped loving a partner long time ago and just can't stand having his intimate parts anymore, then get a divorce, stop entertaining a soul who's giving you  time, effort, and love, while you're out fucking someone else who's hotter but you're just a booty call to while you have a loving husband  or wife at home who would be torn into pieces the moment it finds out what you have been doing, men and women deserve respect. Nobody should be forced to have sex without consent but nobody should be cheated on, there are better people out there who can value a good husband/wife.

Should sex be an act made of two people who are consenting?

Yes! again nobody should be forced into sex, this is sexual abuse and in the worst case rape.

Should you let anyone call you a hoe?

No. they don't know you and why you act the way you do, and they are not perfect either and maybe they've done worst shit than you do.

Should you enjoy your sexuality?

Yes! Always being safe, make sure you know your partner and that he or she it's clean and taking care of itself. 

Should you stay with someone just because he gives you attention and fucks you right?

 No, there are better things, there is a compromise, commitment, there is meeting your future partner in life, and you can't do this if you keep wasting time with someone who couldn't give fewer shits about you. 

With all this said, I believe sometimes we need to learn how to use our common sense more and be nicer to people, it's not nice to be going around breaking hearts, calling people hoes, raping, sexually abusing, controlling and manipulating to the point that you destroy the person you're with and he or she doesn't love itself anymore. We NEED to be better.

The Complex Act of Getting My Shit Together

When I was a kid and I dreamed about moving out and being an adult, I was thinking about it very narrow. Nobody told me there was so much involved. Money, loneliness, desperation. God, I even thought bullying was going to be over after high school but it results that even as an adult you gotta deal with that bullshit from other shitty people who don´t know how to do something better with their lives (even if they´re less capable than you in their abilities, notice that, don´t let anyone who has less knowledge than you give you orders and talk bad to you, you don´t deserve that).

Anyways, I learned that there are several things that stop-pause your growth. One of them it´s being stuck in a place because you don´t want to face changes, surprise bitch, you can´t be a victim anymore, you need to be the perpetrator, Go big or go home! but don´t be a bully, please.

I needed a wake-up call to stop being stuck, I needed someone to pull my car from the dirt, and I am very thankful for it. There´s a long COMPLEX road I have to walk. The way I look at life, laziness, victimizing myself, all that needs to improve in order for me to pull my own weight and be successful, but I know I can do it, NOBODY can tell me what I am able to do, I know myself enough, I am powerful. The world out there doesn´t owe me anything, life doesn´t owe me anything, I have opportunities given to me, because I deserve them, and I am taking them all, but saying that the world owes me has always been my way of victimizing myself, and that is going to stop.