God Is Testing My Patience

Life, or God, works in mysterious ways.
I never thought or even imagined that I would be living the situation I am right now even though one day I desired it.
I finally found a real loving relationship which took me some months to assimulate after so much abuse, cheating and me deciding that men werent shit. I couldn't be touched by my Significant other without thinking he wanted to sexually assault me, I couldnt be hugged without cringing and I couldn't be intimate without remembering my past experiences. Nowadays I still do it, but I stopped hiding in my anger and started being vulnerable. I still think my boyfriend is going to leave me for another goal oriented fulfilled sexier woman, and it is a work in process to get it out of my mind. This man always puts me first and not only says that he loves me, he shows it.

So what is the problem?
He enlisted in the military,
I never imagined I would be able to be away from somebody for 3 months without dumping him. I never have put a man before work or have traveled away just to see anyone graduate.
I have never put money after love. Not until I met him. But it feels like someone is taking my heart and making it smaller every time I come home and hes not here with me. I wish I could have those hugs I took for granted, I wish I could kiss him, I wish we could just lay down in bed and do nothing. But who knows when we will be able to do those simple things again without having to say good bye next day for 6 months or who knows how long. 

I feel like all this is happening because God is testing my patience. I have always blamed him for every single bad thing that has happen to me, I have been ungrateful and I could not see the positive things in my life. My partner isnt the reason of my happiness but he is one of the good things I have in my life. I love this man and all I want for him is not to be unhappy when he wakes up thinking he has to go work at his shitty job that he hates, so I am willing to put my patience for 4 years and however long he decides to be there, and if one day he decides this is over then I will move on. But now all I wish I had is that man next to me.

I want to lift myself up and build the best version of me so not only he reaches his potential but also me so we can have a fullfilling relationship, and I will when I take this weight away from me and learn to live with the pain of the distance between us which at the moment is creating a hole in my heart that aches.

I want to Live but Don't Know How to

All I say about not ending it right now are lies.
I want to live, there is nobody stopping me,
Everyone has their own life to deal with
Nobody is telling me to stop
I am
Because I want to live
But don't know how to
How do I take out the loneliness
How do I have goals in a world that is black and white
These people that go around with a shiny smile in their face,
Cheering everyone around them, so easy,
They have goals and are happy
How do they do it?
Nobody can explain how, or what makes them happy
They just are
I don't have a reason to be, I have momentary moments of happiness
And daily waves of sadness
I feel dead inside and makes no sense
I am alive
But can't live
I have this shield
I act tough, but I am soft
But nobody can break in
I don't expect them to understand me
I don't understand myself and my brain had to be wired a different way
But I am not alone,
and I know me and all other people who feel like me, we can beat it.
I can do this, I cannot go back to being innocent and pure, nobody really can
I can't go back to being sweet and loving the way I did before
I am stronger now and will learn to do that wisely, but not with my shield
I don't want someone to find me dead in my room with a bottle of pills in my hand
I don't want someone to find me dead with a bullet in my brain
Suicide is no joke, it hurts people, though I am hurt,
but because I am hurt, I don't want anyone else to feel like me
I can do this
I will find a  way out,
and in that path I will recover the enjoyment for life
I will love my friends and family and every second I will find it worth living
I will love my job, there will be no need to change situations hoping to find happiness out of me when I should fix what's wrong inside so I can enjoy it outside, I can do this.

No Connection... With My Own Self

Lately, I am feeling like I totally detached my body from the only way I had to express my feelings, which was writing poetry (I can't, and won't get inspired about any fuckboy, that would be stupid as fuck). Even worst I am feeling no connection to anything in particular. I learned to hide my feelings but I lost them in the way. 

All these years of trying to be strong: Not crying when my grandmother hit and abused me mentally so I wouldn't give her power over my feelings. Not saying what I felt for a man because he would mock me and say I was crazy, or just leave me for another girl just because...

I always ended comparing myself to these girls wondering what was so good about them that no man could love me. I also resented these girls who had a family, where the fuck was mine? why was I left behind, not understood, shut off? The same thing that keeps me safe was the one that keeps me disconnected, my pride. 

Imagine being in a pause while everybody else out there is moving. Yeah, some people will understand that it sucks. I feel like a grumpy old lady in a 22 years old woman body. Everything else can be working, you can be independent, you can accomplish whatever you want, but what do you do if inside you don't feel connected to what you're doing? You're just going with the flow. 

Not expressing myself, my ideas or needs, because they would be neglected and punished, took its toll on me. I feel like a body that does what it's supposed to do, but it feels nothing about what it's doing. 

I am like, hey asshole, can you at least feel infatuated for somebody? can you feel love, not envy for your friends just because they are happily in a relationship and you're not? 

I try to open up to somebody and my brain is like: No, you want to be hurt again? just go ahead and fuck with him until he goes away, he's going to leave you anyway so you better don't catch feelings. (As if it was a fucking virus that's gonna kill me). I can say, even though love was a bitch to me, I felt alive when I was in it. I fuck up possible relationships saying that I rather have casual sex if you're going to anyways end up being a jerk. At least even though I am not going to enjoy it, I am going to be connected to your dick for as long as until you cum. 

My anger and resentment are the only feelings that I kept with me, but how do I get rid of resentment? It's so bad to take it out of me, it's hard to smile, like truly. Even the security guard at my job gets surprised when he sees me smiling, cause I am never nice. I think If I smile something bad is going to happen to take that smile out of my face. How do people do it? How can they be going around even faking that they are happy? 

Shoulds and Shouldnt's

I am going to make a list of things I BELIEVE shouldn't and should be done. If you find yourself asking: "should I do this?" Is this right? maybe there's something wrong with the situation, for instance:

Should you leave a man/woman control what you wear so you won't look like a slut?

No, he's an insecure asshole who thinks if you go out dressing like the beautiful woman you are you are going to find someone better than him, and if he is doing this there probably is someone better than him.

Should you leave this person to decide when you go out, with who and who should be your friends?
No, manipulative people are going to keep you away from people who are close to you so they can have full control of you and you can stay. They will lie and exaggerate using your weaknesses as a way of controlling you and you should recognize the red flags so you can get the fuck away from these types of people.

Should you wear what you feel beautiful with?

Yes, girl you should be looking at yourself in the mirror every day loving yourself and the incredible woman you are, you should be proud of everything you have accomplished no matter how small it seems to you, you are hardworking, you are smart, value yourself and get out of anyone who tries to be a manipulative asshole and cannot see you happy without him. 

Should you allow a man to not let you decide when you want to have sex and have to have whenever he wants?

Absolutely fucking no, you have the right to consent whether or not you want to have sex. He cannot force himself into you, even when you have sex with a man without really wanting you are not consenting inside of your own mind and it's gonna feel like shit giving your body to this man. If he truly loves you he will understand. 

On the other hand, if you're the person who stopped loving a partner long time ago and just can't stand having his intimate parts anymore, then get a divorce, stop entertaining a soul who's giving you  time, effort, and love, while you're out fucking someone else who's hotter but you're just a booty call to while you have a loving husband  or wife at home who would be torn into pieces the moment it finds out what you have been doing, men and women deserve respect. Nobody should be forced to have sex without consent but nobody should be cheated on, there are better people out there who can value a good husband/wife.

Should sex be an act made of two people who are consenting?

Yes! again nobody should be forced into sex, this is sexual abuse and in the worst case rape.

Should you let anyone call you a hoe?

No. they don't know you and why you act the way you do, and they are not perfect either and maybe they've done worst shit than you do.

Should you enjoy your sexuality?

Yes! Always being safe, make sure you know your partner and that he or she it's clean and taking care of itself. 

Should you stay with someone just because he gives you attention and fucks you right?

 No, there are better things, there is a compromise, commitment, there is meeting your future partner in life, and you can't do this if you keep wasting time with someone who couldn't give fewer shits about you. 

With all this said, I believe sometimes we need to learn how to use our common sense more and be nicer to people, it's not nice to be going around breaking hearts, calling people hoes, raping, sexually abusing, controlling and manipulating to the point that you destroy the person you're with and he or she doesn't love itself anymore. We NEED to be better.

The Complex Act of Getting My Shit Together

When I was a kid and I dreamed about moving out and being an adult, I was thinking about it very narrow. Nobody told me there was so much involved. Money, loneliness, desperation. God, I even thought bullying was going to be over after high school but it results that even as an adult you gotta deal with that bullshit from other shitty people who don´t know how to do something better with their lives (even if they´re less capable than you in their abilities, notice that, don´t let anyone who has less knowledge than you give you orders and talk bad to you, you don´t deserve that).

Anyways, I learned that there are several things that stop-pause your growth. One of them it´s being stuck in a place because you don´t want to face changes, surprise bitch, you can´t be a victim anymore, you need to be the perpetrator, Go big or go home! but don´t be a bully, please.

I needed a wake-up call to stop being stuck, I needed someone to pull my car from the dirt, and I am very thankful for it. There´s a long COMPLEX road I have to walk. The way I look at life, laziness, victimizing myself, all that needs to improve in order for me to pull my own weight and be successful, but I know I can do it, NOBODY can tell me what I am able to do, I know myself enough, I am powerful. The world out there doesn´t owe me anything, life doesn´t owe me anything, I have opportunities given to me, because I deserve them, and I am taking them all, but saying that the world owes me has always been my way of victimizing myself, and that is going to stop.

I Like it when you Smile

I pretty much do a lot of things you're not supposed to know.
It might hurt you a bit, and I don't want to leave that scar on you.
I know you want something serious, me too, at this point though, it seems almost impossible.
I like it when you smile, I wouldn't try to have you any other way, you don't deserve it.
Yes, I want to be honest with you, I wish I didn't need to do them.
I wish I was an angel, and innocent, but I am not.
It's my survival instinct making me act quickly before I die before I get eaten by the big fish.
But I like it when you smile, Honey I wouldn't hurt you this way.
I love you, you deserve the best.
I can be the best for you, I'll take care of you,
by not telling the truth.