No Connection... With My Own Self

Lately, I am feeling like I totally detached my body from the only way I had to express my feelings, which was writing poetry (I can't, and won't get inspired about any fuckboy, that would be stupid as fuck). Even worst I am feeling no connection to anything in particular. I learned to hide my feelings but I lost them in the way. 

All these years of trying to be strong: Not crying when my grandmother hit and abused me mentally so I wouldn't give her power over my feelings. Not saying what I felt for a man because he would mock me and say I was crazy, or just leave me for another girl just because...

I always ended comparing myself to these girls wondering what was so good about them that no man could love me. I also resented these girls who had a family, where the fuck was mine? why was I left behind, not understood, shut off? The same thing that keeps me safe was the one that keeps me disconnected, my pride. 

Imagine being in a pause while everybody else out there is moving. Yeah, some people will understand that it sucks. I feel like a grumpy old lady in a 22 years old woman body. Everything else can be working, you can be independent, you can accomplish whatever you want, but what do you do if inside you don't feel connected to what you're doing? You're just going with the flow. 

Not expressing myself, my ideas or needs, because they would be neglected and punished, took its toll on me. I feel like a body that does what it's supposed to do, but it feels nothing about what it's doing. 

I am like, hey asshole, can you at least feel infatuated for somebody? can you feel love, not envy for your friends just because they are happily in a relationship and you're not? 

I try to open up to somebody and my brain is like: No, you want to be hurt again? just go ahead and fuck with him until he goes away, he's going to leave you anyway so you better don't catch feelings. (As if it was a fucking virus that's gonna kill me). I can say, even though love was a bitch to me, I felt alive when I was in it. I fuck up possible relationships saying that I rather have casual sex if you're going to anyways end up being a jerk. At least even though I am not going to enjoy it, I am going to be connected to your dick for as long as until you cum. 

My anger and resentment are the only feelings that I kept with me, but how do I get rid of resentment? It's so bad to take it out of me, it's hard to smile, like truly. Even the security guard at my job gets surprised when he sees me smiling, cause I am never nice. I think If I smile something bad is going to happen to take that smile out of my face. How do people do it? How can they be going around even faking that they are happy?