I don't know how to explain what happened that day, or when it even started.
Why did I keep making myself go back to the same situations to have the same thing happen again?
So why do think I am not at fault if I am.
I really didn't want to talk about it... But I have something eating me alive inside, the memories, they will never go away. One moment I am happy, I believe in God and I think I'll have something good because God has something good for me, he has something for everyone. He said... we were going to have fun, he said he was taking us to the beach and we would meet a new place... I thought, what a nice sir, he knows we don't usually go out and he's offering us a free trip to the beach. What could possibly go wrong? My friend said... it wasn't a good idea, but she invited me to meet him... so if she did could he really be so bad?
He told her he wasn't sleeping with his wife, and she was his love. She said she loved him.
He gave us alcohol...and I accepted it. I DID IT. He didn't push the alcohol into my mouth.
And then we were at the beach... it was beautiful, and I was enjoying the place and the breeze, but that man he invited, he came in front of me and took his dick out of his pants... and he wanted me to suck it... and I didn't. But then he said I was boring. And then I realized, there was no turning back, things were going to get worse. I was drunk, and he told me to be fun and take my T-shirt off. and I did. And I didn't know what I was doing. But then, my friend kissed the man he brought with him, and then he grabbed my face and kissed me with his dirty lips. And I felt like shit, disgusting. And then I thought... it can't get worse, but it could. I thought we were going back home and I was going to be safe, but instead, we went to a motel... and he raped me. I didn't say yes, I tried to keep my clothes on but I couldn't even stay stand, everything around me sounded double and my eyes couldn't see clearly. And I don't remember how many hours went by... but the alcohol was getting out when they finished using me like a toy when they had fun with my body without my permission... and he said... nobody has to feel bad, we are adults. No asshole, I am 17 I am not a fucking adult and you just raped me... and then he made me keep seeing him, and I did because... what worth could I possibly have? I never knew how awful you could feel after things like this. I didn't have anyone to say it to, he was a lawyer, he could have gotten out easily.
I took the alcohol every time, and I kept coming back even though he didn't have enough and accused me of being crazy and boring.
I despise that day I was so desperate for fun, I hate myself so much, hate is just a little word compared to how I feel about myself.
And then why... why did God saved this for me? Weren't he supposed to give me something great? Maybe, I wasn't supposed to be on good terms with him ever...
Why did I agree to hang out with that girl even though I knew she wasn't the best for me. I just wanted to be her friend, because everyone else said bad things about her, and I knew how bad you feel when everyone else talks crap about you and they reject you. All I wanted was to be her friend.
And now every time... I remember it, and I try not to, and I run to wash my tears away before someone notice, and I feel empty, and lately, it's just getting worse, and my therapist says is not my fault, but It was. I went to that place, and I KEPT coming to him because my dignity didn't exist anymore.
Why does it have to be me who feels like this, when it was him who was and still is an asshole, a rapist, and a sexual predator. A manipulative body without consciousness. Why me? Why me who just have had enough shit in my life already, why me? why adding more pain and why did I have to be her friend. Why will the memories never go away? Why doesn't he die?
3.28.2018
What I AM SCARED of.
Some might say this tittle is an awful grammar error, but that error is what fear looks like for me.
I am scared of something big, something terribly bad that might happen but I can't predict, is not real, but it could be. I don't even understand myself, I push people away with my "unpopular opinions" which are really my way of making them see how ugly person I am. Dealing with people is dramatic, drama is annoying and I have enough drama in my mind already.
I am scared of my friends failing me, talking shit behind my back and my mother throwing me away from home, although on my actual state I don't even think I have a home. When people get close to me they might think of me as a dark, nihilistic and egoistic person who doesn't give a shit about others. Apparently my brain is magical and has gain the ability to read other people's mind without even talking to them, just looking at them is enough to know that they dislike me.
I am scared of my significant others leaving alone, and my life falling apart. Being happy and being attacked by Murphy's law in the worst way, since my past has been awful, my present could be even worst if I even think of the word happiness. I DON'T want to deal with trauma, it is bullshit, crap and darkness, why does it even exist? Balance seems unfair when you think that in order to have something good something bad must be checking you out from the corner, kind of like a thief looking at you when you just got out of the bank with your paycheck changed.
I am terrified to be lonely, because when I am,I do stupid shit, and when I do that I get depressed. Apparently I am the enemy and the bad friend that I am scared of. In the end, this leads me to the conclusion that all that I fear is in my mind, my mind is my enemy, and blowing my brain off is not going to do anything because somehow I believe that this is not a good death, I might stay in the Limbo, or in Hell, or I might come back to earth as a prisoner and be punished worst than now. I mean, I am able to study, I am "pretty" in some way and I am smart. Yes, I fail at some things like interpersonal relationships and family life, but my future looks shiny and will be unless that thief checking me out on the corner decides to fuck my life off. However, I will attack him back and kill him if necessary, because since he's imaginary I can't go to jail for killing him. So yeah, the good thing about your imaginary enemies is that you don't go to jail for killing them, and if in the end something goes wrong I just have to get over it and be mature, life is short, so this is a waste of time and reading this bullshit too, but I need to know what I am thinking in order to attack these thoughts back.
I am scared of something big, something terribly bad that might happen but I can't predict, is not real, but it could be. I don't even understand myself, I push people away with my "unpopular opinions" which are really my way of making them see how ugly person I am. Dealing with people is dramatic, drama is annoying and I have enough drama in my mind already.
I am scared of my friends failing me, talking shit behind my back and my mother throwing me away from home, although on my actual state I don't even think I have a home. When people get close to me they might think of me as a dark, nihilistic and egoistic person who doesn't give a shit about others. Apparently my brain is magical and has gain the ability to read other people's mind without even talking to them, just looking at them is enough to know that they dislike me.
I am scared of my significant others leaving alone, and my life falling apart. Being happy and being attacked by Murphy's law in the worst way, since my past has been awful, my present could be even worst if I even think of the word happiness. I DON'T want to deal with trauma, it is bullshit, crap and darkness, why does it even exist? Balance seems unfair when you think that in order to have something good something bad must be checking you out from the corner, kind of like a thief looking at you when you just got out of the bank with your paycheck changed.
I am terrified to be lonely, because when I am,I do stupid shit, and when I do that I get depressed. Apparently I am the enemy and the bad friend that I am scared of. In the end, this leads me to the conclusion that all that I fear is in my mind, my mind is my enemy, and blowing my brain off is not going to do anything because somehow I believe that this is not a good death, I might stay in the Limbo, or in Hell, or I might come back to earth as a prisoner and be punished worst than now. I mean, I am able to study, I am "pretty" in some way and I am smart. Yes, I fail at some things like interpersonal relationships and family life, but my future looks shiny and will be unless that thief checking me out on the corner decides to fuck my life off. However, I will attack him back and kill him if necessary, because since he's imaginary I can't go to jail for killing him. So yeah, the good thing about your imaginary enemies is that you don't go to jail for killing them, and if in the end something goes wrong I just have to get over it and be mature, life is short, so this is a waste of time and reading this bullshit too, but I need to know what I am thinking in order to attack these thoughts back.
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