What I AM SCARED of.

Some might say this tittle is an awful grammar error, but that error is what fear looks like for me.
I am scared of something big, something terribly bad that might happen but I can't predict, is not real, but it could be. I don't even understand myself, I push people away with my "unpopular opinions" which are really my way of making them see how ugly person I am. Dealing with people is dramatic, drama is annoying and I have enough drama in my mind already.

I am scared of my friends failing me, talking shit behind  my back and my mother throwing me away from home, although on my actual state I don't even think I have a home. When people get close to me they might think of me as a dark, nihilistic and egoistic person who doesn't give a shit about others. Apparently my brain is magical and has gain the ability to read other people's mind without even talking to them, just looking at them is enough to know that they dislike me.

I am scared of my significant others leaving alone, and my life falling apart. Being happy and being attacked by Murphy's law in the worst way, since my past has been awful, my present could be even worst if I even think of the word happiness. I DON'T want to deal with trauma, it is bullshit, crap and darkness, why does it even exist? Balance seems unfair when you think that in  order to have something good something bad must be checking you out from the corner, kind of like a thief looking at you when you just got out of the bank with your paycheck changed.

I am terrified to be lonely, because when I am,I do stupid shit, and when I do that I get depressed. Apparently I am the enemy and the bad friend that I am scared of. In the end, this leads me to the conclusion that all that I fear is in my mind, my mind is my enemy, and blowing my brain off is not going to do anything because somehow I believe that this is not a good death, I might stay in the Limbo, or in Hell, or I might come back to earth as a prisoner and be punished worst than now. I mean, I am able to study, I am "pretty" in some way and I am smart. Yes, I fail at some things like interpersonal relationships and family life, but my future looks shiny and will be unless that thief checking me out on the corner decides to fuck my life off. However, I will attack him back and kill him if necessary, because since he's imaginary I can't go to jail for killing him. So yeah, the good thing about your imaginary enemies is that you don't go to jail for killing them, and if in the end something goes wrong I just have to get over it and be mature, life is short, so this is a waste of time and reading this bullshit too, but I need to know what I am thinking in order to attack these thoughts back.