Unmotivated and Unsure about What I Want

Lately, it's been so hard to think about the way I want my life to go. My motivation has completely disappeared, people would say I am just being lazy but is not like that. I don't want to write, I don't want to play anything or go to places, I even don't feel like I love my boyfriend anymore. All I do it's trying to find culprits, and it gives me a headache just to think about my grades. For the record: being depressed as a college student its hell. I barely passed classes on Fall, now I look at my assignments and think what the fuck is this. I just do whatever I have to do without even understanding it, and most of the time lie in bed hoping I could die. I made some "improvements" in my social life, started going to the gym again by myself, and even started going to a club of writers. I thought that would change something on my attitude towards the world in general, but It didn't. I tried to break-up with my boyfriend and even before I said the words my tears fell from my eyes nonstop and he convinced me with his words to stay and give him a chance until February ended. Sometimes, I even try to think that he passed his lack of motivation to me, even though he's actually trying. But most of the time he tries to get a job just when I pressure him into it. I am so tired. But I am not tired of him, or my mom, or sisters. I am tired of the weight of life into me, everything makes me feel like I am shrinking, and nothing brings joy to me. When I am alone, all I think of it's about all the bad things my boyfriend, mom, and sister do to me and how bad my life it's going, I don't have a life of my own. I used to be so smart, lively and happy, I used to not give a shit. What it's holding me here? I don't know. I don't want to take more pills, I don't want to talk anymore. My self-image it's a joke, I look into the mirror and all I see it's darkness. I am gross, I am fat. I don't love myself. I feel like I could grab a full bottle of pills and intoxicate myself hoping to die in the end, I feel like I could put a spoon in a power outlet. But there's no a painless way to die. Why am I so weak and why do I complain so much? When is this gonna end? When will I stop hurting people in order to feel less lonely? I am an ugly human being, my heart it's dark. If god it's out there he hates me, cause I've said horrible things about him and blamed him even though I was the culprit of everything that has happened to me. How do I get out of this cycle? I am tired, I am lonely... I am sad. Some people care, but I don't care. All I attract are negative people because I am one myself. All I have inside its pain, endless, tiring. I am bleeding to death, and my heart it's broken.