Is it Good not to Feel?

Even when I avoid not feeling the slight shocking experiences that might cause me to drown again... I wonder how good is it to feel nothing at all. Some people experience things crazily, others just simply feel things deeply, and I used to be one of them until I found out that was bringing me worse than good outcomes.

However, sometimes I wonder how it would be like to feel something. To not be so nihilistic and dark. To be poetic and silly again. I guess that indeed it is not so good to avoid feeling, after all, it is pathetic. Sometimes I wish I could get inside someone's else mind and body so that I could feel the same things that they do... Love, friendship, happiness, authentic sensations, not the ones I force myself to feel.

I wish I could make myself into a journalist for a day and walk around asking people how they feel about the world, how it looks for them. If even with all the crap that happens every day they still believe this world is beautiful and what motivates them to see it like that.

Nobody would understand me if I said that even when I cry I don't feel nothing. Appart from the emptiness that caused me to cry in the first place, the fact that I know nothing fills me, and that I abandon every try to even be healthy in all senses.

That is the key word, emptiness: everything just looks so empty, so full of nothing, and that leads me to wonder what is it that people find too attractive about life. Even though my impulse to abandon it is controlled, something inside still not working.

I never considered myself someone envious, but since a while ago, I've noticed I always compare myself to others, and I wonder how they can be so themselves, and I am not even half of what I'd like to be. Is not about beauty, or intelligence, is about being me. The problem with being me is that I am too dark, I can't express myself without looking to offend other people with my bad/dark sense of humor. Indeed, I don't give two fucks about people. I feel so bad for my friends because, inside me, I really don't feel like I have anyone.

Is not fair to anyone to try to get close to someone who will eventually push them away and ignore them, and is not fair for me to feel so bad for doing that, but my philosophy is that I was born alone and alone I will die too. And even if I don't eventually kill myself, I hope I get sick before I have to depend on anyone to take care of me. Why? Because I don't need anyone's pity.

Pity is what I believe people feel for me. It has always been like that. I despise and it makes me really uncomfortable to ask or receive help, and I believe that people are my friends out of pity. I mean... I am just an antisocial who sits alone in the cafeterias avoiding to even look at someone who would try to sit next to me, I am the girl who puts her backpack in the other seat of the bus so that no one else would sit, and during my teenage years I made it so well to just spend 5 years playing online games and as pathetic as it sounds my most significant friendships/loves were experienced there. But then, everything started looking dark, and insignificant and here I am now.

I believe, maybe I am living an existential crisis, trying to find the meaning on this empty world, full of catastrophes and crime, treasons and sadness that don't sadden me at all because I know everything is going to shit in the present so there's no hope it will get better eventually and there's no hope I will either, but deep inside, I wish I could be born again, from another mother... I wish I could have other friends and better parents. I wish I could see myself in a white dress with a man who shakes me just with seeing him and eventually, two little babies which I would watch grow. However, at this point, my fears have eaten me alive and left nothing but my bones and my the blood of my dreams running through the floor. All the times I fell left me scarred, and If I ever heal, I'm not sure I could let the guard down and take the dark curtain out of my eyes, and see the world with other colors, not just black and white.