Holding on to the Sharp Side Knife Because I Like the Pain

I wish it was easy to let go of you...
Knowing that being with you hurts more than it pleases,
Making myself feel like an idiot because I know it,
But I can't let go.

Because you're my sharp object...
Sometimes you used to make me feel good,
But now all I feel it's pain
And I like it even though it hurts,
Because it's all that I know.

But you're just like everyone else I've known before
Looking for your own good
Behaving perfectly while you didn't have me completely
And now just being who you really are
Cold.

And it hurts
Because I try not to think about it
And go with the waves
But I think, and it hurts again.

But what hurts the most it's that I stay
Holding you like a sharp knife in my heart
Leaving myself bleed the little love I have inside me
Not being sure someday I will find someone who will want to stay
Not being sure someday I will see the result of that love
But being unsure of everything, even I.

And my masochistic brain it's a jail
And I am the one closed on it
And everyone else it's a jury
While I am the one in the jail.

What if I do this
What if I do that?!
What will he think
What will they think?!
I don't want them to hate me
I don't want them to crucify me
I don't want to deal with the drama
I rather live with the pain of BEING

With a cold soul that lies about love
With good opinions and unexistent self-compassion
With this pain, with this emptiness
With people who don't love
With people who think about nothing but themselves.

I need ME to be able to let go of the knife
I NEED to wake up
I NEED to stop being the victim
But why is it so hard?!
Why is this all that I know?!
This fucking hurts!