Tomorrow makes 21 years since some generous person decided to let me come into this pretty and beautiful world. I am so happy to be at home with myself and my thoughts another day of my life. I am so happy for feeling so... happy? another day of my life. I've improved a lot in the meantime, I've been getting worse grades and feeling sicker every day. I've stopped believing in bullshit which it's good, and I stopped believing in myself too. If I found my friends from the past I'd tell them that somebody didn't abandon me in all these years, she's Depression. I don't love her but I think she's hooked on me or something. I feel like she wants to fuck me every day and hug me. She's jealous of the few people that love me and tries to get them away from me. My heart it's totally possessed by her, and she makes me hate myself. Last year I had a plan, I thought that I would be living by myself totally freed from strings with people and nobody would stop me from killing myself. (ha, as if somebody with social anxiety can get so far in life). Well, the truth it's that right now I don't even have money for paying for my own funeral. -Chuckles- That's how beautiful this life is. Probably my problems started even before my birth when some dude created money as the main method of negotiation. I've been seen weirdly by every counselor lately as if I am some kind of crazy insane person who's about to explode. They've started suggesting something that they've never done before: sending me to a hospital and leaving me there for a while. No thanks, I don't want my loving family to realize that I am indeed crazy. Now I don't even understand why they worry so much about if someone kills himself or not. They are not fighting that person's battles and they are selfish as hell for wanting me to live. I could donate my body to science or to someone who really needs my organs. Luckily if someone gets my organs will not become suicidal as hell or something. I am not sure what I expected from life before that now I feel so deceived about it, there's nothing in life nor in death, that's why people create stories and movies with perfect scenarios because they probably would like to see something more interesting in their lives.
If I did feel some kind of self-appreciation I would at least make myself pretty, get myself clothes and go out to eat something delicious. Take pictures with my friends and publish some bullshit on my social media but no, here I am as always :).
Well, it's my birthday officially, I spent the first 5 minutes of my birthday writing some toxic, self-victimizing bullshit about myself. Happy birthday to me I guess.
I love being so asshole and complain about myself while there are people out there who really want to live.
I still think you have a sense of humor, despite you implicating you are going through depression. Perhaps you are just trying to troll all the happy people out there lol. Wow at 21, I just spent my days mooching off financial aid and playing games in my dorm room. There's seriously a sense of purpose out there for you and something that can provide you comfort through some distressing moments. I don't want to spoon feed because it's better that you came across it yourself.
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